


101 Letters

by Arthoesteverogers



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: 1940s, Angst, Closeted Bucky, Fluff, LGBTQ Character, Love Letters, M/M, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Sniper!Bucky, Unrequited Love, Woke!Bucky, World War 2, angstridden, sergeant james barnes, vintage gays
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-14
Updated: 2017-08-11
Packaged: 2018-10-18 15:34:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10619889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arthoesteverogers/pseuds/Arthoesteverogers
Summary: in which bucky writes his best friend letters, he never sends them and he never plans on showing them to stevethen bucky has to leave for the war and forgets a couple letters at home





	1. letter one

_January 18th 1939_

_Dear Steve,_  
_Don't know when I decided to write this down but I felt the need to or I might scream in frustration and wake you._

_You fell asleep shivering in my arms, the last time I was this scared for your life was when your ma was certain we'd lose you through the night_

_I've never been much for praying, you should know this by now since you always tried dragging me to church on Sundays, but on that day I stayed up sitting next to your bed praying to anyone, to the God you were so desperate to believe in, that he or she or whatever saved my Stevie because I needed my best friend then, and now_

_When you woke up the next morning, cracking a joke about how awful and tired I looked, I thought, if only for a second, that maybe the big guy existed and if he kept you alive all this time I had no issues with him_

_Don't know why I'm writing this like you'll read these, maybe one day you will but until I'm dead and buried I'll do my best to prevent that_

_Truth is if I lost you that night, or this night I would lose faith in everything. I barely have faith in God much less myself, you steve are the only person I know that is good through and through, this may also be because you're the only friend I have but I know that you're as good as it gets. You deserve more, you deserve much more than this slump of an apartment and the constant sicknesses you retain and the crummy coloring pencils I get you that you use to somehow create breathtaking drawings_

_If I don't have faith you'll get what you deserve then I won't have faith in anything anymore_

_So as I pull you closer, to my warmth, I can't help but hold on for dear life because losing you would mean losing myself altogether_

_your Bucky_

_+++_

March 1942

This was the earliest one Steve found he was confused to say the least but he needed to read more to understand why his friend felt like he did. For a long time now, Bucky was all Steve had as well and without him Steve would probably die due to a cold as he never had enough money to feed himself. Steve thought Bucky was the best man he knew and he definitely didn't think much of himself.

Despite his curiousity, Steve felt ashamed and like a traitor for picking up the next letter, under the one he had just read.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the layout for most chapters until...well just keep reading and find out :)


	2. letter two

_March 12th, 1940_

_Dear Steve,  
I haven't written in a while, but January and February were just as terrifying and cold as December. It's slowly warming up and you're looking less sickly which is always a weight off my shoulders._

_You're tryna convince me you don't feel the slight chill in the air when we went out to the market today and I rolled my eyes but nodded anyway. You got yourself a job painting while you study in college. It's your last year and the look on your face when you filled out your forms for your last semester of classes broke my heart a little._

_I always told you to study art like you dreamed of but you said art doesn't pay the bills and architecture does and it's almost like art. I wasn't satisfied with the answer but I didn't disagree that architecture would result in a stable job. Maybe if I had yelled at you then you wouldn't be giving up your dream and carrying around weight on those bony shoulders._

_I've gone off topic. I wanted to document a spectacular thing that happened today._

_I was grabbing some oranges when I looked over to ask you if you had any spare quarters, only to find you had disappeared. I looked around a spotted your blonde mop at the art supplies. The look of childlike amazement and awe warmed my heart. A remembered a little Steven Rogers begging his ma for art supplies while other kids begged their mas for baseball gloves. I didn't think twice before setting down the oranges and buying the sketchbook, you were ogling, and the new pencils I knew you needed._

_Still not sensing my presence I nudged your shoulder and you saw me and the supplies in my hands and blushed. I didn't want you to be ashamed Steve, never if it had to do with your hopes and dreams, for those I would do anything._

_yours, truly  
bucky_

+++

Steve's breath was caught in his throat. Of course he cared about Bucky but they never talked about those things not seriously, and seeing his emotions written Steve couldn't help but feel distraught. He missed Bucky now more than ever. A big hole in his heart was where Bucky used to be and now he was across the sea fighting.

Fortunately, Steve was going to camp soon for training and Dr. Erskine would help him become a great soldier but right now nothing else matter besides the letters and Steve reading them.

He thought of the day of the oranges and how badly he had wanted those supplies and Bucky holding them in his hand next to him with a knowing smile had made him feel ashamed. Bucky always gave up necessities like food if it meant Steve was happy, of course this caused Steve to yell at him and vice versa but in Bucky's brain nothing made more sense than making Steve happy.

Steve couldn't exactly disagree with this as he would often yell at Bucky for not taking care of himself and, not outright saying it but, putting Steve before his own wellbeing.

Thinking about Bucky in the  trenches made Steve's heart ache, what he would do for an orange right about now, thought Steve.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as forementioned I'm shit at regular updates but thanks for the hits and kudos so far X.


	3. letter three

_March 17th, 1940_

_Dear Steve,_

_It's St. Patrick's day which means you're more Irish than ever. Today even I'm Irish as it's a work holiday and the parade in the streets means crowds of people some rich enough to throw bills in the air. You never grab for them as you're always enthralled in the parade, I on the other hand make sure to grab every last bill I can get my hands on. Once we go out to the parade I know you'll have that glazed over look in your eye as you think back to celebrating this day with your ma and then my heart will break a little and I'll try and cheer you up just like the year before and the year before that. You see Steve you've got me all sorts of whipped. Even though there's a war in Europe the Irish know how to drink to forget and subdue and that's all I need when you grin at me with that big nose on your face with a look in your eye that makes my stomach flip._

_Anyways I better get ready or you'll be on my ass for not getting ready in time so we don't miss the train to Manhattan._

_Undoubtedly yours,_

_Bucky_

 

+++

Bucky had deeper feelings than Steve had thought. He felt his cheeks warm up and he looked around to make sure Bucky hadn't caught him in the act, like he would do when he idly drew Bucky in his sketchbook. Steve didn't know what to do with what he read he reassured himself he was just over-analyzing it, Bucky couldn't like him like that, he couldn't.

At least this is what Steve convinced himself of, as he felt believing anything else would be ludicrous. Steve would say the same thing about Bucky anyways. The way Bucky looked at him sometimes made his stomach churn but it was only normal for the blond haired boy. Brushing the thought of anything else off, Steve decided it was getting late and he could read the remaining ones in the morning on the way to Dr. Erskine's office and then maybe while he in training.

This was the last personal thing he had tying him to Bucky, as the boys always traveled light and Bucky had taken his few things with him. Steve would do whatever to hold onto the letters. Tomorrow he would leave Brooklyn and this meant leaving everything Bucky and him had built behind, he was going to fight in the war and if he never came back it wouldn't be the worst thing to happen to Steve especially if he could find Bucky in Europe and fight alongside him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really love writing this fic, and even though i know it's not as great as the other stucky fics on this site, i do hope it gains some recognition although the kudos and hits at this point are all appreciated :)


	4. letter four

Training wasn't fun for Steve he was always slower, weaker, and lesser than the muscular soldiers-in-training beside him and after his first couple of days there he was sure Dr. Erskine would be choosing another man for the job at hand. It was only until there was a grenade drill that Steve was commended for his soldier skills. A grenade was thrown into the midst of the training soldiers as the others rushed off, Steve threw himself at the grenade and covered it with his body yelling at others to get back and hide. It turned out it had only been a test and Steve was the only one that had passed. Dr. Erskine came into the soldiers quarters that night to talk to Steve and told him they would be heading out of the camp soon for the experiment. That night Steve pulled out one of the few remaining letters of Bucky's. 

 

+++

_April 14th, 1940_

_Dear Steve,_

_I came home to you drawing. You were so enthralled by whatever you were drawing I didn't disturb you. Quite honestly if burglars snuck in while you drew, we'd have nothing but thankfully nothing of the sort had happened yet._

_You have such an intense focus when you're doing the thing you love, I admire it. You see I've never had anything of the sort, I was never passionate about anything except maybe poetry and I gave up on that when I realized I was the worst poet to ever call himself a poet. My only passion now is staying alive, seeing you happy, and making sure this little home we've built in Brooklyn stays the same._

_Yours,_

_Bucky_

 

+++

Steve fell asleep reading this letter, imagining Bucky reading it to him in his calming voice,  lulling him to sleep as he would do on nights where Steve didn't think he could ever sleep again. Bucky was like that, always caring for Steve. He couldn't wait to hear his voice for real. The blond haired boy went to sleep with a smile on his face, ready for the new man he was going to become.


	5. letter five

_May 21st, 1940_

 

_Dear Steve,_

_I'm losing my mind. Today on the work site I heard two guys talking about the persecution of homosexuals, talking about police beatings, and the homosexuals "getting what they deserved." But Stevie I don't think I agree with them, what better are we than the Nazis if we hate people your God made a certain way?  Why is it illegal to love another man, if the Bible teaches everyone that God made mankind in an image of himself does that mean God is gay? I'm just joking about that last part but I am serious about the fact that people are still people no matter who they love. It doesn't make sense to me, but maybe I'm just a lovesick idiot who doesn't know squat about God and his teachings._

_Anyway I was sad walking home that day because I didn't think Brooklyn of all places would be so hateful especially people I see as friends, but I guess everyone's brought up a certain way with different values and I just happened to bring myself up thinking a certain way_

 

_Your pal,_

_Bucky_

 

+++

Steve read this in the taxi to where the experiment was being performed surprisingly enough it was back in Manhattan, not quite home but closer than he would be for a while if the experiment worked.

He found himself thinking about what Bucky had said and thought about the religious aspect of it all, sure the Bible said one thing about gays but surely God had created everyone with himself in mind, how could God make people imperfect?

Steve was confused by the entire argument but what he knew was that everyone was equal God or no God, everyone deserved freedom and rights and that was enough for Steve. It always had been. In high school Steve would get picked on, as if he wasn't bullied enough, for treating the blacks as equals. But Bucky did it too so they were never alone in bearing the derogatory words thrown at them, although it was nothing compared to the awful that the dark-skinned people had to deal with.

Truthfully, Steve wanted nothing than to sit down with Bucky and question him about his letters, since when was Bucky in love? Why did he write these and never send them? Why couldn't he just talk to Steve and tell him he was hurting? Steve wished Bucky was here for selfish reasons, this he couldn't argue, and it didn't change the fact that Steve needed Bucky now more than ever in a time of uncertainty, confusion, and fear as he headed into an experiment that would change him forever.


	6. letter six

_October 21st 1943,_

 

_Dear Bucky,_

_I'm a changed man Buck, I'm big and strong and I haven't felt better in my entire life if you saw me now you would never worry bout me getting sick again. They have me doing monkey business to sell war bonds putting on costumes and gosh it's embarrassing Buck but I'm hoping to actually fight one of these days I'll be touring in Italy soon. You're stationed there so maybe I'll get there before this letter does._

 

_Your Stevie_

 

_+++_

 

Steve got there in November and asked for the status of Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes only to be told he was missing in action. He felt his stomach drop Steve had a panic attack before and he felt himself residing to that. He cleared his head and tried to focus, Bucky was one of the best shots he'd ever seen surely he couldn't have just died. Steve asked for the coordinates of the last place Bucky was and there was a hydra base nearby to that, Steve was taking his chances even if he wasn't an actual captain and this was his first time actually in action. He didn't care what happened to him as long as he had bucky back.


	7. letter seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> technically this is letter six since it's Bucky's letter

_November 3rd, 1943_

_Dear Stevie,_

_They call me the best shot they've  seen in well ever. Who would have thought James Barnes from Brooklyn would be natural born sniper? They're sending me on a mission to some nazi base that seems to be deserted._

_I can't lie, I'm scared Stevie, but every time I go out there I remind myself you would be volunteering for these kind of ass-on-the-line job. You're a punk like that._

_Italy's not all that at least the parts I'm seeing. I know you'd love to see the grande colosseums and roman architecture but the fronts not all that pretty and most of the days are cold and wet._

_I miss you Stevie, more and more every day. Every time I go to sleep I try and imagine you're lying beside me and it's hard sleeping without because I'm used to only sleeping with you._

_Anyways I'd best end it here we're heading out in a couple hours._

_Your,_

_Bucky_

 

_+++_

Bucky had written this just before heading the base, just before him and his comrades were captured and imprisoned. However, Bucky wasn't instead he was tortured, brainwashed, and stripped of his sanity slowly.

This was how Steve found him two days later. Bucky was strapped down to a metal table his eyes open and glazed over. Steve shook him and Bucky took a couple of seconds before registering who the man in front of him was. Bucky didn't understand how this big strong man was his Stevie, but he could recognize those eyes and big nose anywhere even if his nose seemed to fit his face perfectly now. The two escaped miraclously. 


End file.
